Loosing a Friend

Its been pretty much 2 years since I moved to Casper.  I can’t believe it, 2 years.  In the scheme of things that’s really not that long but I never did picture myself here in the first place.  As I write this I am balling my eyes out.  I seem so unhappy right now.  Last Sunday I finally broke off my relationship with Jay.  As much as it will hopefully be better in the long run I still lost my best friend, one of the only reason why the last 2 years we fun here in Casper.  I really wished things would have worked out between the two of us but it just didn’t seem right.  I will truly miss having that person who I could trust and that knew me so well. Jay is a kind, gentle, sweet guy but for some reason he really only seems to me as a friend not my boyfriend, husband, partner I wanted to be.  I desperately hoped there was more but couldn’t keep fooling myself; that’s why I held on for so long.  I have no hard feelings angriness or hatred towards Jay I just didn’t want us to keep living in a relationship I felt was not going anywhere.

 I know this is pretty deep and intimate but if you, Jay. do read this I’m so sorry and wish that someday we could be truly friends because that is what I so badly need here in Casper.  I also think about the last time I became single I was so wanting to be in a relationship again and knowing the loneliness that accompanies being single.  I think about how I am 28 yrs old and would like someday to have children.  I really cant imagine myself with any but who knows. I have always been a pretty independent person and tried not depending on others to help me but I do greatly appreciate the help.

Moving home sounds better each day, but I don’t know if that necessarily will solve my problems.  What I truly need is to be happy with myself, and I don’t believe living here in Casper or Fort Collins or anywhere else is going to help that.  So as I finish writing this I’m trying to think about what will make me happier and at this time I have no clue.